What it is To Burn
by eden alice
Summary: She had stood by as Ronnie slipped away." A series of moments that fit together like destiny.
1. Chapter 1

I originally attended to write this as a one part story but life is really getting in the way at the moment (and annoyingly not in the good way) and I'd have to spend so long making sure the pace worked and it flowed right and was in the correct order...yeah that's too frustrating right now so I decided to post multiple chapter style. Please note that this story will not have a linear structure and some of the events that take place may not even be real. I am most likely not making sense and I hope that this is assessable. Enough of me babbling and onto the story...

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What it is To Burn

"Hi Ron, missed you." Roxy busied herself emptying the browning flowers into the bin and replacing them with a freshly bought bouquet, arranging them with deliberant attention. She moved out of habit, she had done the same routine every time she visited trying to ignore the futile nature of the situation. She tried to avoid looking at her sister for too long out of fear that she would not be able to hold back her tears.

"We all miss you. Aunt Peg will try and visit soon. She's just got a lot on at the pub right now but we're all fine." She wanted to tell Ronnie that Amy had said her first whole sentence just a few days ago but sharing any information about the little girl seemed too dangerous. Her name alone was tainted with so much pain and regret.

She pulled a box of chocolates from her bag, Ronnie's favourites and she hopped they would tempt into eating more regularly.

"Got you these. Oh and the cutest tracksuit that I might have to keep for myself." Roxy carried on talking as she unpacked not expecting a response from Ronnie. The smell of disinfectant and mothballs made her feel a little nauseous.

With everything unpacked she turned and sighed loudly as she examined her sister. Sometimes the days of catatonic stillness were worse than the paranoid hysteria when she spent hours screaming and hiding in the corner of the room until she had to be sedated. At least then it was like part of her sister had survived. Looking at her now, sat cross legged on her simple bed her back against the wall she may as well be dead.

Her stillness was painful to watch, it was easy to miss the slight rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, eyes open and cloudy, staring blankly ahead. The skin over her violent cheekbones pulled tight and chalky. She looked like a tragic statue.

The burning sense of loss was something Roxy did not think would ever go away. She never was very good at looking after anyone, not even herself. She was terrified that she could not be enough for her sister. That she would just let her down again.

She had always shared everything with Ronnie but her sister had never been able to do the same. She should have seen this coming but Ronnie's behaviour seemed to change so gradually that Roxy had not noticed. Maybe she had not wanted to notice and there was always a new tragedy to explain anything bizarre.

She had stood by as Ronnie slipped away. The day she first feared for her sisters sanity played in her head every time she closed her eyes. It had been like the world had ended when Ronnie had been admitted and Roxy was so angry. She was not sure who she was angry at, maybe everyone including herself. She wanted to inform the doctors, the people whispering about the latest Mitchell drama back at the square that her sister was more than the confused shell of a woman locked in a faceless hospital room.

She knelt down in front of the bed, the titled floor uncomfortable under her knees and tried in vain to will her sister to acknowledge her presence. Blue eyes stared right through her and Ronnie's hand was cold as she attentively touched it. She wanted to pull Ronnie into a hug and shake her till she woke up in equal measure.

"Please come back to me Ron. I just want you to come home."


	2. Chapter 2

She couldn't sleep.

She was so tired but she would not let herself sleep.

Every time she closed her eyes, every damn time, the dreams would come. Maybe they should really be called nightmares but they were all she ever saw while asleep.

So she sat alone in the darkness of a kitchen that was not hers, but then no place felt like home. Her eyes were dry and aching as she watched the shapes of things reduced to nothing but unfamiliar shadows in the darkness.

The pounding in her temples only encouraged her stillness. The headaches had become worse at times almost constant. It took great effort to keep her mind blank and even. And she was so tired.

For once she appreciated the isolation night brought using it to steady her frayed nerves and bask in the depth of her misery.

"Ron, what are you doing awake?" Jack's voice was like gravel and her muscles tightened as she willed him away.

The engagement ring was too tight on her finger and she starkly wondered why she had agreed to marry him, how she had found herself here. She had no idea if she was even capable of loving this man anymore.

"Ronnie come back to bed." Jack sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder. She had not realised he had come close enough to touch her, his hand was warm and she waited to feel something under his touch. Nothing came.

It was almost poetical how her dreams made her feel more than her waking life did. In the middle of the loneliest night they seemed more real.

Jack's fingers moved to trace the line of her jaw. Ronnie closed her eyes.

On the paper thin skin of her eyelids she saw echoes of her dreams played out like an old black and white movie.

_The car hitting Danielle again and again. Time moving so slowly but she could not move, could not do a thing to save her little girl._

The edge of his fingers touched the corner of her lips. She would not go back to sleep.

_Her father standing before her, regarding the dying heap that was her daughter sadly. He would not let her near Danielle. He did not touch her yet she was restrained, she can't get to her daughter. "I was only trying to save the poor girl from you V." _

"Ronnie please you are going to make yourself ill." She frowned at the desperation in Jack's voice not understanding the reason for it.

She supposed she should explain that she was just trying really hard not to let herself drown in despair and to do that she needed to stay awake. Only as more time passed she could not see a reason why it was so important not to just fade away.

But she was so tired and Jack was more likely to be angry at her than understand.

_She was alone and it was day. There was nothing to mark that Danielle had died in this spot. Archie had won a game she did not even know he was still playing. Somewhere, near by a baby cried, it reverberated around her skull. It was a sound she would never forget, the sound of her own baby as she was ripped from her arms._

"I'll be there in a minuet." Her whisper was thick and even.

Jack's hand stilled before moving away hesitantly. She should feel guilty but she was so tired.

"I'll be waiting."

It was clear that he doubted she was telling the truth. She wondered if he would return and drag her to bed if she just stayed where she was.

Jack placed a kiss to the clean line of her neck and then there were nothing but the gentle padding of his footsteps as he left.

But she knew this man well, knew that he would not return for her because he could not handle so much rejection in one night. Maybe if they truly loved each other being stripped and left open would not be so painful. In the morning he would glare and demand the truth.

_Danielle stood before her, skin pale and tinged with blue. She was still dead and yet somehow she was standing just across the road with her cardigan torn, her knees dirty and her eyes burning with so much anger like a star going supernova. "You destroyed me like you destroy everything you touch. I hope you are happy now." Her little girl's voice was twisted and harsh. It wounded like a bullet and Ronnie fell to her knees before the girl._

She would not go back to bed that night.


End file.
